And so life goes

My blog today is going to be a little bit more personal, so log off now if that's not your thing. The truth is, it is against my gut reaction to put the sorrows of my heart on my blog, but in lieu of making who knows how many phone calls, here's the story.

For those of you who didn't know, I was pregnant, and unfortunately the past tense is appropriate, as I did have a miscarriage. At 8 weeks we went in for our first appointment and couldn't find a heart beat, however at that time we weren't too worried because they tell me it is normal that early on to not hear anything. At 11 weeks I started having a few symptoms that made me concerned and I went in to hopefully hear the heartbeat to set my mind at ease. Sadly, there still was not a heat beat, and the ultrasound the following day confirmed that there was not a live baby. Strangely enough, there was not a baby at all, evidently there was something abnormal about the egg and it stopped growing after 6 weeks and never actually developed into a fetus, however my body didn't initially notice there wasn't a baby and continued to prepare for the pregnancy, making a miscarriage inevitable for what was still in there. A D & C was scheduled for Monday, however it didn't end of being necessary as nature does tend to take it's own course.

People who are aware continue to ask me how I'm doing, and the truth is, I am doing pretty well, all things considered. My initial feelings when I was told was a huge sense of disappointment and sadness, but surprising stronger than that was guilt for Lexi. I waited until I felt I was 100% ready for a new baby, which is a little longer then most of my friends, and now she'll have to wait even longer for a sibling. I was having this conversation with a friend in the ward who has actually been right where I am (hi Stacie), and I have to say it helped a ton to know now that she has her 2 little girls 3+ years apart, and she has no worries about their differences in age. I hope I'll start to feel the same soon.

My last thoughts are those on trials in general, I hear many people say they are thankful for their trials, and I think ya right! and while I certainly am not thankful we have to go through difficult situations, I'm amazed at how it makes you grow, and learn, and figure how you want to deal with your life. I could be angry, or think God has it out for me, and let it pull me into a never ending depression, but I choose to accept this is the way things are, sometimes crazy bad things happen, and there is nothing to do but deal and move on. I choose to be happy regardless of the sad things in life.

Thank you to all who have been there through this, all the encouraging words and phone calls filled with love are just what I need, and I truly appreciate all the friendships you bring me!